Farts to Sharts: A Cautionary Tale

Las Vegas is not healthy for the human body. The sleep deprivation, dehydration from the massive amounts of booze, the mental anguish of the tables’ highs and lows: it all can take a serious toll on oneself. I say that all as a precursor to this story as the following isn’t something that typically happens to a healthy-enough 34-year-old, such as myself. Things can get “two dragons” weird quickly in Sin City…

Let me attempt to paint this picture. It’s mid-morning at Palazzo Las Vegas. I’m alone and had just taken another serious beating in the Asian double deck pit. So I wander over to my favorite $1 Wheel of Fortune machine. Five bucks a spin, dreaming of a small jackpot to claw closer to even for the day. Things are right on pace as I’ve quickly run my initial $100 up to about $260, and then my stomach starts the rumble…

You drink a lot in Vegas. Beers start around 10AM and the switch to bourbon is made at 5PM. There are typically no breaks. That behavior is not good for one’s digestive system.

A few small but very potent farts find there way out. Nothing to worry about, and I’m certainly not ready to leave my machine. The situation turns quickly as farts become possible sharts. At $241, I frantically tap the cash out button as I attempt to gather my belongings (cell phone, wallet, beer and smokes, lighter, cash, and player’s card – this is a disaster) and find the nearest men’s room. As I’m awkwardly sprinting to a toilet, it happens… Honestly, it could have been a lot worse, but the fact remains the same, I had just shit my pants inside a Vegas casino. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure people shit themselves on Fremont Street all the time, but the Palazzo is a pretty nice place. I finished my business in the stall and then shamefully waddled back up to my suite to shower. Hat in hand. Shit in pants.

Kind of a strange morning at the Palazzo Las Vegas…


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